Recovering From Depression
I am not trying to advise you anything here. All I'm doing is helping myself and trying to be sympathetic while sharing my own tale.
I suffered from clinical depression from the year 2012 onwards and I had a lot of problems trying to meditate. Closing my eyes and counting my breaths could be quite traumatic, it's really no big deal but when one is down with mental illness, even the smallest obstacle can trigger a major breakdown. I worked with my Zen roshi Adam 'Genkaku' Fisher who taught me to do zazen with my eyes open and instead of trying to seek ultimate calm, I'd consider Zen koans and enjoy the riddles and mysteries of being alive. Not having to close my eyes worked wonders for me, I stopped being a nervous wreck when I need not confront my innermost fears. It's not really the right way to do meditation, but when I was feeling depressed, it helped make my mindset a lot more manageable while allowing myself to do the bare minimum of pursuing spiritual answers in life.
At the same time, I discovered that I had a lot of energies stored within my inner consciousness that needed to be discharged. I was like a power plant, when I ate three meals a day, I have a lot of energy which was not used up and if I did not exercise enough, the energy would keep me awake the whole night and it was sheer suffering staring into empty space in pitch darkness. Since I was not much of an athlete, I walked into a recycling kiosk one day and I discovered that I could expend quite a lot of energy doing sorting at the recycling station. I would also collect empty drink cans, and bring them to the recycling kiosk where I would crush them all under the weight my stomping leg. It helped me perspire and it was also great fun.
Eventually I did recover from depression.
I'm grateful for all the hardship and mentors who guided me along. As I age I realised that being thankful and appreciative for the little blessings in life can potentially make me a happier person. I don't always have to meditate all the time, these days I sit just for the fun of it, I take things in my own stride and I don't push myself that hard as I used to. I'm not saying that what I am doing is right, all I am saying is that I grew older, and I hoped I became a bit wiser from my suffering. I'm still quite clumsy, like a big fat penguin, but I'm happier.
I wish you and everyone well.
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