Counting My Blessings While Seeing the Shrink

To be honest, I am a blessed person living a perfectly normal and peaceful life. I have everything in the world to thank for, my parents are still alive and well and I come from a decent family, and my loved ones are coping well with life too and I have nothing much to complain about. I grateful to my country Singapore, to Buddha (Buddhism being my religion), and there are neither any wars nor natural disasters where I am living, so everything is really in order. 

Yet, there is one reality which I am mindful of, and that's the Buddhist teaching that everything that is perfectly sane and proper, eventually too will pass. Things are transient in this world, all the goodness I am experiencing are impermanent, and one day either I too would die, or what I have at present too will not last forever. When I think about life like this, I do feel nervous and anxious, because what I presently have are not reliable, they are not dependable, I have to seek something higher in life to live for and for me this life, Buddhism is what helps me the most. 

I used to suffer from generalised anxiety disorder in the year 2001 when I was in army, back then I was developing stomach tics due to stress in work and life, and I had apocalyptical visions in my head. True enough, the 911 terrorist attack took place, and I got all wound up. Seeing the psychiatrist and going on 2mg Valium daily helped me cope till I eventually recovered. This time round, I no longer have any symptoms such as tics, nor do I have any lunatic visions of disasters to come, I'm just not feeling very well. I feel restless, and I feel nervous, it's not a very big problem, but it's undoubtedly making me feel rather uncomfortable. I'm not sure whether has it got to do with my diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder in the year 2019 or is it that my condition has evolved and hence I could use a second opinion. One thing though, I do recall going on Valium in the year 2001 and I felt better once I was sedated, so I am just wondering whether a tweak in my existing long-term medications could have a positive impact on my mental well-being. I'm not insisting that my prescription drugs get changed, instead, I'm just saying that I'm not quite sure, and I need a psychiatrist to guide me along because I don't know what I don't know.

Once again, I really don't know, you see. I'm not a doctor, all I know is that I'm feeling unwell, but I don't know why. I have done a full health screening with SATA Commhealth, paying around $500-$600 for the detailed overview, and the reviewing doctor says that generally I am fine. What the doctor does recommend though, is more sunshine and some exercise to go along with. I agree with it completely, but I'm having a lot of inertia these days, I'm not exercising enough, and I don't know what I actually am lacking that is causing me to avoid exercise. It's like a vicious cycle: I'm feeling sick, therefore I exercise lesser, yet because I don't exercise enough, I feel sicklier, and it goes round and round.

When I was younger I used to have exercise buddies, friends who would gather for a jog or a street soccer match, and back then I was considered more active. These days, everyone I knew is putting on weight, it's not just me, and the only difference is that I'm not married while they have spouses and kids to look after. 

The good news is that because I am a practising Buddhist, I do abstain from alcohol, illicit drugs, nicotine and other intoxicants, so I do lead a sensible lifestyle being mindful of how I live my life. I do my best not to kill, not to steal, not to fornicate, not to lie, not to intoxicate, and I simply put: I obey. 

So, I'll be seeing the psychiatrist at Institute of Mental Health on 6 May 2025, which is tomorrow, this is what I have to say to myself before I show up for my consultation. The reason why I'm doing this is because my corporate mentor Jeanette Ng Chuey Yean has taught me to be honest to myself. I am being honest to myself, though I am not sure what questions the psychiatrist might ask. I do my best to be open and transparent to the world, but I am also not in charge of my mental health. Being fair, I'd also be quite thankful if I can ask for some tweaks to my medication taking into account that I might be experiencing chronic anxiety. My sleeping patterns have also been quite challenging for me, but I don't think I'd want a pill for insomnia. I can try to regulate my apparent insomnia on my own. For instance, if I cannot sleep at night, I don't mind staying up and working at night while sleeping in the day. It's not a wonderful arrangement, but at least I am willing to compromise somehow, somewhat. But the medicine for anxiety, I do hope that the shrink is willing to consider granting me the prescription.