Cleaning Up My Act

 

When I was much younger, I was actually quite promiscuous. I engaged in sexual intimacy with several women and I did not have a fixed partner. I still remember I was hugging one of my several girlfriends one day, and I had a sudden urge to say "I love you". Yet, because I was not sure what I meant by that intention and that phrase, I turned my head and spoke to empty space - as if talking to God - and I said to God that "I love you".

It was undeniably a good decision by me, because eventually I went separate ways with my girlfriend(s). Sensual love just wasn't meant to last forever. In a few years' time, because I came down with depression, I became surprisingly very religious and I went to study a lot of religious books before finding my way into Buddhism. I still remember picking up Thich Nhat Hanh's books at a local Kinokuniya bookstore here in Singapore, and I decided to stand at the bookcase to study what sort of self-help teachings the Vietnamese Zen monk had to say about love.

I was blown away after I began reading the book because not only did I not know what love was, I also did not know that there was a higher form of love in Buddhism and that I was actually very unskillful throughout those years as I engaged in promiscuity. I discovered for myself that out of the many forms of love there was in the world, the love for a mother (or father or grandparent) for a child is arguably one of the most profound yet sweetest love possible, and I resolved immediately that I would look into filial piety to give my life a complete overhaul.

In a nutshell, I came to realise that if I needed to understand what love was, I had to study the unconditional love that my mother had for me, and I began to make amends for neglecting my parents and grandparents all these years. There was a major transformation in my life as I left behind all the sleaze I partook in, as I began telling my family that I loved them.

As I cleaned up my act, I started doing Zazen, and all these years I strived to cultivate the brahmaviharas ie four immeasurables (loving-kindness, compassion, empathetic joy, equanimity) and I vowed never to go back to the promiscuous life I once led. I realised that by taking the precepts and changing my unwholesome attitudes towards life and sentience, I was already undertaking one of the greatest deeds I could achieve to protect myself and others.

I'm still imperfect till this day, but I daresay I have been on the receiving end of love and loving kindness, and I am grateful to my karmic, emotional and financial benefactors and debtors for giving me a chance to correct the wrongs I once engaged in. Life has been fair to me, I don't profess that I am a good lover, but I also dare profess that I did try to find out what love and metta is, and it was a rewarding journey all these years.

All these wouldn't be possible if it weren't for the Triple Gem. To seek refuge in the love and metta offered by the Buddhist community is one of the best decisions I made this life, and despite me still being f***ed up as a lay secular Buddhist, I have everything to thank for.

Cheers to love and loving kindness.