Not Ready

I was doing my lunchtime meditation one afternoon when I began contemplating on my own demise. Then I saw my mother crying and my extended family quarreling, and I realised that I was not ready to go. I felt like a mess. I could see the various karmic forces tugging at me, and I could not see Avalokitesvara Bodhisattva or Amitabha Buddha. That was when I discovered that I was in deep sh1t. I awoke from my meditation, and I felt relieved that I was still alive, but I regretted and repented deeply because I felt that Amitabha Pureland is still out of reach for me.